Shut up and rest

I don't know why it takes me so long to blog. I think maybe bc I always feel like I need to actually have somethimg to say. And you know what I mean, there's never anything worse than spending your precious time reading someone's thoughs on absolutely nothing or their boring update about what they've been doing. I guess the times I feel I can write are when I have learned a lesson, and apparently i am a slow learner and a sheep like the Bible talks about us all being. So here's what I've learned lately: I'm not sharing what I learn enough. Simce I work in a school setting I've had a great opportunity to have two weeks off work which have been very needed. While I haven't been very "productive" in cleaning my house or working on lesson plans and a 30 page project that's due in April for my final license, I've been productive in resting. Not just physically, though I have done my fair share of power sleeping, but mentally. We don't slow down enough in life. Sometimes I wish I were in Africa where things start "eventually" and people have less cases of exhaustion and anxiety. But I giess I can create my own African experience by just shutting up and slowimg down. there's really no sense in constantly doing. All it does is cause burn out and make me cranky and un-fun. Like I said, I'm learning that I'm not sharing enough of what I learn. In my resting, I've realized that I'm afraid of really saying what I mean or feel for lots of reasons: you might not get my spiritual God-talk and think I'm a wacko, you might judge my weaknesses, you might try to tell me "it's ok" and why I shouldn't feel the way I do. Ugh, that last one is the most dreaded of why I am not always real with people. Who wants someone to tell them they've really messed up in their feelings and that someone else has it figured out but I'm not going to get there with that attitude. Oh, last reason for avoidance: sometimes I'm really sarcastic and not optimistic. also, I swear sometimes. People don't always get that its a way of venting and isn't meant to offend anyone....so they get offended and stop liking you. Are you getting the idea yet that I really like people to like me? Yeah it used to be helpful lol now It just keeps me from fulfilling my callings. That being said, Gods been working on my shielded nature a lot lately. God wants me to share my unsheilded self. I haven't been fulfilled bc I know that I've not been real with others to a point of lacking shame and the good Lord has patiently reminded me that others will not learn from my explore des unless I share them. So here goes: Most of you know Im prego. It was totally planned and I was really excited for about 3 weeks. And then I stsrted getting what they call "morning sickness". Ha. If that timeframe isn't the meanest joke I've ever heard! I wasn't sick just in the mornings, I was sick all day every day for I don't know how many weeks. I felt like I did when I had mono in high school on top of what felt like a constant flu. Thanks to everyone who NEVER tells you pregnancy can really suck. And it can. Once I finally started feeling sort of better I stopped being able to fit into my pants. And thanks to expensive maternity clothes and Christmas time, I haven't broken down and gotten maternity clothes. 1: I think they're really dumb on the principle that I cam only wear them a certain time in my life. It's not practical and i was a raised a practical girl damnit (thanks dad). Anywho, all this to say pregnancy Hasnt been fun AT ALL. And I'm here to tell everyone who wants to have a kid to know that you've been fairly warned. But here's the thing: I think most of my lack of excitement over this pregnancy the end result is so far away and it's flipping scary! That's a no brainer for everyone and people have been having babies for centuries and they keep doing it so all I can tell myself is that if they keep doing it, it's surely a big pay off. (please don't comment here and try to cheer me on...it's not encouraging to hear from others that they think I can do it for whatever reason...I'm kind of the one who has to put my big girl stretchy pants on and face the monster in front of me) The fear of being a parent is shaded by the fact that I'm a step-mom. Now this is where I'm not going to be perfect and put together whatsoever. Step-parenting is the HARDEST, I MEAN THE HARDEST job I've ever done. Here you have this person who is very much not like you and you are supposed to love every minute of being at their every beck and call with the boundaries they get from their other home and are expected to be nice and patient and perfect at all times bc that small person is only in your home sometimes and you want to make it count. Plus you want to instill in them qualities and knowledge they will only get at your house. It's pretty overwhelming and I don't do a good job being patient. I know having my own child will be such a different experience but you always question your parenting in general when the experience you're having is not rewarding or fun most of the time. And then I finally slowed down and every scripture I've read lately has had somethimg to do with God being with me and understanding me and giving me the strength I need. And it all stops being so scary. If I have a Creator who's got it all figured out, I really don't have to try so hard. My job is to let Him do the work and for me to rest and praise Him for it. My time to work comes and He gives me the power to do what's needed but never expected me to have it all figured out. He expects me to shut up, rest and let him show me how it goes. So here goes. see you back here for the next lesson I learn.