ramblings.

well here we are, over a month after i proclaimed i'd be blogging and doing creative things regularly. ha. turns out some of those things that the book "the desire map" talk about are REALLY hard to put into practice! i guess my biggest problem in trying to work on following my core desired feelings (freedom, balance/wholeness, peace, strength) is that in my freedom; i really don't like to have to plan things. and this creates a problem when you're trying to plan to change your life. i feel like i struggle the most with indecision, ultimately. its not that i don't want to run after things and chase dreams, its also that i want to just follow wherever the wind takes me. i suppose that makes me an inegma, er something. maybe i'm just divergent. i just got done reading the book "divergent". it was great btw. (i love reading books before i see the movie. i know most people hate doing that, but i love being able to add to the creation in my imagination.) anyway, i don't really fit into a mold, or a faction or whatever it is that most people have to fit into. i like everything and i want to do and experience everything. which is a problem, considering that sometimes means i want to be with people, but i also want to be alone. and please don't give me an answer like, "well, you can always just go somewhere and sit around people", because it doesn't work like that lol considering what i do for a living is analyzing people's problems, its really hard for me to turn off when it comes to my own. i'm constantly over analyzing things and trying to make things better. i've always been the one that gets the job, is teacher's pet, gets promoted to do things because of this, and my ability to relate to people. there's always a great pay off to these things. the problem is, it's exhausting. nobody rewards you or likes you much when you stop. which has made growing up fun. i feel like at 30 i'm finally figuring myself out, and i really hate that. to everyone else, i look all put together, but its all been for the atta boy's and forward movements in life. come to find out, we usually attach our view of self to the positive or negative things people put on us. i got alot of attention for being friendly and responsible as a kid. which makes you not want to be yourself sometimes, because hey, it doesn't pay off very well. all this talk about being responsible and friendly to circle round to the fact that i've always been externally motivated. doing what felt good meant doing something for affirmation or praise or making someone else feel good. yeah, i know those are really good things. but they're not when you don't find out what makes you feel good without them. and that's where i am always indecisive. its a constant inner battle to make the simplest of decisions. its probably why i don't like to plan; if given the opportunity to analyze a decision, i'll ultimately try to chose what's logical and often don't chose what makes me happy. my husband is really really good at chosing what makes him happy. i envy him alot for this. he can just know what he wants to do, and then, do it. i think that's why i fell in love with him. plus, he doesn't put pressure on me to decide stuff or frankly judge me for doing or not doing anything. you see, when you've got a constant inner battle of turmoil going on, you really don't need someone else to criticise you; you're doing enough of it for yourself. that inner battle is exactly what makes me keep up the niceties at times and constantly be putting forth my best. very few people actually have seen me at my worst. i have tons of friends and thousands of acquaintances, but those few close friends don't judge me for my cynisism, sarcasm, judgementalism, laziness, selfishness or greed. so, i guess this blog post is dedicated to the people in my life who love and accept me for everything i am and everything i'm not. they allow me to make decisions easier because i know they will support me no matter what. and to my kind husband, who is always my great leader in chosing freedom and happiness.