End of my Summer

Tomorrow I start a new job as an elementary school counselor. I've been off work for 6 weeks (thanks to my husband for understanding), and its not been what I'd expected, but it's been what I needed. I had every intention of completely deep cleaning my entire house, finishing the bathroom tile that we've been procrastinating, biking long distances, visiting many friends, blogging often and even learning to make fondant for a cake. Guess how much of that I accomplished? Well, I deep cleaned a few parts of my house... My previous job was less than wonderful, and because of that, I spent a ton of time not doing the things that make me smile or feel whole. 3 years of working somewhere you are concerned about your job security most days and expected to be something you're not can really take a toll on your happiness. So this whole time I was thinking that once I got some mental health days in, I'd be rearing to go and would get all those above things accomplished. Turns out I'd lost a little bit of who I was, and I needed to decompress to get that back. Instead, I spent lots of time watching reality tv, cooking meals for my husband, maintaining the cleanliness of my home, going for walks with my dog, tying up loose ends like getting things ordered and put away in the office, and sleeping. I was fortunate to have both my siblings visit for a week each, see my brother in law marry my new "outlaw" buddy, go to all Joe's team's tournaments and do a little shopping for myself. In all actuality, these are the things that are close to my heart that I had neglected, but didn't realize it. I have to admit that I'm not very excited to start this new job. I'd wanted a high school position, but this is the one that was close-ish and offered me a job. I would have waitied longer to find a high school job, but I needed out of the prevoius one desprately and was willing to do anything else for a year until another high school one came open. I think I'm also nervous since I'd had such high expectations for the previous position. My fault, I know, but I'd trusted that God would take care of me (in the way I'd expected) and He chose to grow me instead. I reminded him this morning while journaling in the yard on my swing that I need a little break from growing. I let him know that I'd been upset with how he let me struggle the last 3 years. He's always pretty good at taking my copmlaining. I've been really appreciative of my break. I joke with Joe that I could easily not work and be completely content. He'd disagree because he thinks I'm already starting to lose it. I'm sure I'm just getting way too involved in my own introversion, so its a litle hard for me to socialize appropriately, but I don't mind ;) So tomorrow I begin a new job and remind myself to continue to do the things that make me smile and feel whole.

Tri-Yak-A-Thon 2014

My friend Krisi is getting into triathalons and registered for what was called the "Tri-Yak-a-thon" (run, kyak, bike) in Fort Scott. She's not a huge fan of going down hills, so when she realized that the bike part was single track, she called for my assistance. "I'll pay for half your entry fee! I just really don't want to do the bike part; I will die!". I laughed and agreed to help her out with the warning that it's been over a year since I rode single track and 3 since my last race. My last race. Ah yes. The one where I was more out of shape than I realized, but I still rode my @ss off to the point that it was dangerous and I wrecked. The race where I endo'd (went over my handlebars) and later found out that the pain in my hand was a dislocated finger. The race where I won 3rd in the state...simply for showing up. I remember that quite well. It put the fear of God in me where I lacked regarding going down hills and crashing. I used to not have a fear of going down hill or crashing. Those were good times. Ignorant times, but good times. I was really good at being reckless on my bike, crashing, bleeding and getting up to do it all over again once I knew nothing was broken. All without health insurance, might I add. Then I got married and all my feelings of invincibility were smothered to death by the idea that I'd be financial or emotional burden to someone else if I had a bad enough accident. They say 80% of physical activity is mental, and I'd have to agree with that. From that point on, even after I had health insurance, I was much less enthusiastic about riding trails, alone, with others, slowly or with trepidation. Getting married took all the fun out of my trail riding lifestyle. And it didn't come from Joe either. He was all supportive about me doing what made me happy. It was all in my head. I was worried about being a burden. I didn't travel to ride anywhere because it just took too much work and kept me from getting settled into my marriage and family life here. I do a really good job of exhausting myself thinking without actually doing anything. So when it came to race day with Kristi, I wasn't actually as excited as I let on. I didn't really want to leave home where I had dishes, laundry, dusting and gardening to do. Not to mention sleeping! I love sleeping! But I did. Kristi and I left and were amongst a small group of the 10am heat. And heat was right. I haven't worked out in the humidity yet, so just watching the bike and kyak was exhausting. Then I got onto the trail and it was even hotter. That and I'm not in cardio shape like I used to be, so I found myself practicing my deep breathing and self talk...ok it was more like self yell. I was yelling at myself, and I'm sure that everyone around me thought I was crazy, but at least I was motivating myself and everyone else who had to hear me screaming, "Come on! You've got this! Quit being a pansy!" and other explictives lol Foolishly I'd put "half clipless pedals" on recently (clipless means your shoes clip into either side of the small pedal. Half clipless means one side is flat for tennis shoes and the other is for clipping your shoes), since I'd been riding gravel and I hadn't thought to change them over for the race. Pretty sure I spent at least 10 minutes of the race trying to get back into my pedals after needing to clip out. ugh. That made me yell at myself more lol. The race was to be 6.2 miles and about half way through the track got really really smooth and was lots of down hill. I WAS IN HEAVEN!!! I can do fast down hills and jump over stuff when it's smooth so easily :) So once I'd gotten warmed up to where I wasn't huffing and puffing, my ride turned out to be the reminder of why I used to do this reckless thing we call single track mtb: because I love it. I love that its free. I love that not many females are brave enough to do it. I love that I can focus my mind one this one thing and feel like I've solved the world's problems in 45 minutes. And I love that it's a little reckless (not too bad since I have insurance now) It's an incredibly empowering thing to do and its something that is a part of me. Part of you gets a little lost when you settle down with someone, move, change jobs or any other big life change. I'm thankful to know that I've not lost the part of me that I felt like I found back in grad school when Stephanie Brown first took me out to the trails at Camp Alexander on my birthday with my brand new bike. So that's my word for the day. Find the parts of you that have made you feel empowered, dangerous, inspired, or even a little reckless and do them! You will not be disappointed that you didn't stay home and clean your house ;)

Doomsday

The dreaded day has come. I never thought I'd see the day when 20 miles on gravel would make me tired, but here it is. I did almost 20 today (and only half was gravel), and I'm pooped. And disappointed (okay, not totally disappointed, since I'm glad I just got out there). I know, most of you are reacting in astonishment in my disappointment in myself, but you've gotta realize that there was a day when 20 miles was a walk in a the park. The thing about this area is that there are opportunities for people to be active and get fit, but most of them look at you like you're crazy when you try to do it. That's the problem for me. Sure, there are miles and miles of gravel here, but I never biked gravel because I simly loved it. I biked gravel because I had so many friends cheering me on and telling me it was awesome, not saying "wow, you're crazy". I miss hearing, "that's awesome, I bet you can do 60 miles next time." Or even having other people to compete with. It's not very motivating when you're the fastest and can go the farthest....and you're still not going above your personal best. Honestly, working out is a tricky thing for most people. Its hard to get motivated because we make it difficult. We want to have people cheering us on, the weather to be perfect, all our housework to be already done, the perfect route mapped out, just the right equiptment, etc, etc...We overthink it and then cause ourselves to be lazy. My dad once said that overanalyziation leads to paralyzation. He's right. Its not that we got to busy, its that we relied on everything else to be perfect in our circumstances, instead of just going because it makes us feel good. I lose sight of that often. I have other things in life that make me feel good emotionally, so I often trade those for doing what makes me feel good physically. Funny thing is, you don't feel as good emotionally when you don't do something physical about it. So here I am with an aching back, feeling tired and working on inspiring. We've gotta inspire ourselves. We have to know that feeling good is worth it and that it doesn't matter if our workout is perfect. Sitting on the couch doesn't make us feel good as much as just walking around the block. Any workout is better than no workout. So go do something that makes you feel good physically! That aching stuff will go away with time. I promise you won't regret it.

Joe's accident from my view

It's amazing what one night can do to shake your foundations, even when you thought your foundations were pretty strong. Last Friday night my husband rolled his jeep and was pinned under it for 35 minutes before the firefighters arrived and got him out. I didn't get a call waking me with the worst news imaginable, I was in the car behind him. Blayne was walking around, Brogan was on the ground...I couldn't find my husband. I heard him yelling from the other side of the jeep. I found his hand waving for me, grabbed it and dialed 911. I told Allison I didn't know where we were since it was on gravel, but please find us because Joe and Brogan were trapped under the jeep. Joe said he wasn't going to make it. I didn't know if he would be paralyzed or if he was right. I hope none of you ever have to experience the terror of the possibility of losing a young spouse. I may be a strong person, but I told God that night I wouldn't make it if Joe didn't. Don't argue with me, I wouldn't. All I could think about was that I'd been irritated at him earlier in the night and hadn't let him put his arm sound me. What a terrible regret to have. I kept apologizing for being mad and he kept trying to tell me what I should do if he didn't make it. I continued to kiss his face and ask him to breathe, and forgive me, and tell me about what he'd done at work the day. He wanted to sleep. A police officer told me its best that I try to remain calm for him too. I wanted to yell at him and remind him that I'm a therapist and know this, but its easier said than done. He couldn't feel his legs. Brogan was trapped under the opposite side of the jeep, so all joe kept saying was, "Just put the weight on me and get him out!". I reminded him that he has people to live for too. Our friends tried to help. They tried to at least lift the jeep to lessen the pressure. Joe felt his legs when that happened. He then began to scream about his back burning. I didn't understand why. We were both being drenched by gasoline. He wanted me out of there. I wouldn't leave his side. The officers wanted me out of there too. I didn't care if I got stuck under there with him, I wasn't going to spend my last moments with my husband watching him scream and writhe in pain from a distance. The firefighters finally used a wench to lift the jeep. They got Brogan out and he was hospitalized and released within a matter of a few hours. The paramedics and Joe made me get out of the way. They got him out and into the ambulance. He could move and feel his legs but his back was burned horribly from his shoulders to his thigh. They wouldn't let me in the ambulance. All I wanted to know was that he was going to be ok. They took him to the airport and life-flighted him to KU med burn unit. A few hours later I arrived and sat in the ER with him while he slep in the hallway because they didn't have any rooms. My friends and his family stayed in the waiting room and I had the opportunity to just cry and lay my head on his gurney. This was one of the many times this past week that I'd lay my head down by him and cry when nobody was around. Its uncomfortable to cry in front of others because they want you to stop. Several hours later he was in the burn unit and on medication to keep him from pain. We wouldn't leave for 2 1/2 more days and he would go through the most pain he'd ever experienced. I didn't always keep it all together. I'm thankful to those who loved me anyway. I was able to take him home and care for his wounds, sometimes crying at the pain I was causing by changing the dressings. He is healing very well now. Growing new skin each day. His ribs hurt, but he had absolutely no internal injuries. It's incredible. People keep saying he and Brogan were lucky. I don't believe in luck. I don't know if there's a word for what they are, but its a combination of blessed, cared for, watched over, protected, and loved. All I know is that I am thankful. If you are reading this and don't realize how blessed you are in life, please take a moment to thank God for everything you have. I don't care if you don't believe in God, please, just be thankful for what you have. Cherish your people. Tell them the good things you think about them. Bless the world because you've been blessed.

ramblings.

well here we are, over a month after i proclaimed i'd be blogging and doing creative things regularly. ha. turns out some of those things that the book "the desire map" talk about are REALLY hard to put into practice! i guess my biggest problem in trying to work on following my core desired feelings (freedom, balance/wholeness, peace, strength) is that in my freedom; i really don't like to have to plan things. and this creates a problem when you're trying to plan to change your life. i feel like i struggle the most with indecision, ultimately. its not that i don't want to run after things and chase dreams, its also that i want to just follow wherever the wind takes me. i suppose that makes me an inegma, er something. maybe i'm just divergent. i just got done reading the book "divergent". it was great btw. (i love reading books before i see the movie. i know most people hate doing that, but i love being able to add to the creation in my imagination.) anyway, i don't really fit into a mold, or a faction or whatever it is that most people have to fit into. i like everything and i want to do and experience everything. which is a problem, considering that sometimes means i want to be with people, but i also want to be alone. and please don't give me an answer like, "well, you can always just go somewhere and sit around people", because it doesn't work like that lol considering what i do for a living is analyzing people's problems, its really hard for me to turn off when it comes to my own. i'm constantly over analyzing things and trying to make things better. i've always been the one that gets the job, is teacher's pet, gets promoted to do things because of this, and my ability to relate to people. there's always a great pay off to these things. the problem is, it's exhausting. nobody rewards you or likes you much when you stop. which has made growing up fun. i feel like at 30 i'm finally figuring myself out, and i really hate that. to everyone else, i look all put together, but its all been for the atta boy's and forward movements in life. come to find out, we usually attach our view of self to the positive or negative things people put on us. i got alot of attention for being friendly and responsible as a kid. which makes you not want to be yourself sometimes, because hey, it doesn't pay off very well. all this talk about being responsible and friendly to circle round to the fact that i've always been externally motivated. doing what felt good meant doing something for affirmation or praise or making someone else feel good. yeah, i know those are really good things. but they're not when you don't find out what makes you feel good without them. and that's where i am always indecisive. its a constant inner battle to make the simplest of decisions. its probably why i don't like to plan; if given the opportunity to analyze a decision, i'll ultimately try to chose what's logical and often don't chose what makes me happy. my husband is really really good at chosing what makes him happy. i envy him alot for this. he can just know what he wants to do, and then, do it. i think that's why i fell in love with him. plus, he doesn't put pressure on me to decide stuff or frankly judge me for doing or not doing anything. you see, when you've got a constant inner battle of turmoil going on, you really don't need someone else to criticise you; you're doing enough of it for yourself. that inner battle is exactly what makes me keep up the niceties at times and constantly be putting forth my best. very few people actually have seen me at my worst. i have tons of friends and thousands of acquaintances, but those few close friends don't judge me for my cynisism, sarcasm, judgementalism, laziness, selfishness or greed. so, i guess this blog post is dedicated to the people in my life who love and accept me for everything i am and everything i'm not. they allow me to make decisions easier because i know they will support me no matter what. and to my kind husband, who is always my great leader in chosing freedom and happiness.

Desire Mapping

So here I am sitting in my office enjoying my second snow day from work this week. Some days I hate snow, some days I really appreciate it :) A few weeks ago I decided to check out the book called "The Desire Map" by Danielle LaPorte. A few people I follow had been writing about how life changing it had been for them, and while normally I say, "well that's good for them", I'd seen the joy and exuberance that had been flowing from their pictures and words and couldn't help but be drawn to what's been causing this. While I know that the current life situation I've been given is meant to be, I've been feeling like something's been missing. For instance, 5 years ago when I moved to Portland, I did a ton of finding myself and when I came back, I found a lifestyle that made me feel free, joy, balanced and strong. I found the world of cycling and was in love with how it made me feel. I felt free riding trails, joy riding with friends, balanced by the routine spin class gave me (except for when I did too much :)) and strong by the exercise I was getting. And for a long time after moving to Garnett, I felt like I'd lost myself. Joe was so supportive in reaffirming me that I did fit in here, but I just didn't feel the way I did before. I wanted to go back to the lifestyle I'd had in Emporia where things just worked in my favor. Moving here was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I knew it was meant to be because everything lined up perfectly, but I wasn't getting those soul desired feelings met. I struggled and struggled and, after lots of lonely and tearful times, I resolved to pour myself into what it means to be myself in Garnett. It was a bit heart breaking since riding trails meant driving a half hour and planning a day...totally un-freeing. I felt lonely on my gravel rides, completely not what I got from rides in the past. I had no spin class, or fitness class in general to help me feel balanced. I had a rec center with a few cardio machines and weights. But I had to find the actual feeling I wanted and realize that it had to take on another form. I started a water aerobics class 2 summers ago and had a great turn out. I started teaching (we use that term loosly since I'm not certified, but the city doesn't care) yoga classes, and get the sense of joy with others. I recently joined a core and cardio class based on H.I.I.T. (High Intensity Interval Training) that has kicked my butt and provided that balance I needed. These are making me strong, and this makes me full. I've left out the word Free intentionally because I that one's currently in progress. I'm seeking that freedom through doing some life changing things that I'm not going to announce on the internet quite yet, but I'm really excited about what I'm working toward and the happiness it's going to bring me and my family. See, I've never been one to not see the target. I'm very driven and motivated to good feelings, so reading "The Desire Map" wasn't exactly revolutionalizing to me. More than anything it caused me to be reminded of that person I am and to help me make a few more steps in the right direction. One of those steps is in my creativity, often manifested in writing. So here I am. I won't always talk about fitness or "riding like a girl". I'm gonna talk about the essense of how things makes me free, joyful, balanced and strong. I'm a seeker. I'm not content with mediocrity (bless Joe's heart for always coming along for the ride!). I always want to increase my life in a positive way so I can give to the world from that abundance. So here goes! ps: if you've not read "The Desire Map" yet, do it. Change is scary, but boredom is scarier.