Doomsday

The dreaded day has come. I never thought I'd see the day when 20 miles on gravel would make me tired, but here it is. I did almost 20 today (and only half was gravel), and I'm pooped. And disappointed (okay, not totally disappointed, since I'm glad I just got out there). I know, most of you are reacting in astonishment in my disappointment in myself, but you've gotta realize that there was a day when 20 miles was a walk in a the park. The thing about this area is that there are opportunities for people to be active and get fit, but most of them look at you like you're crazy when you try to do it. That's the problem for me. Sure, there are miles and miles of gravel here, but I never biked gravel because I simly loved it. I biked gravel because I had so many friends cheering me on and telling me it was awesome, not saying "wow, you're crazy". I miss hearing, "that's awesome, I bet you can do 60 miles next time." Or even having other people to compete with. It's not very motivating when you're the fastest and can go the farthest....and you're still not going above your personal best. Honestly, working out is a tricky thing for most people. Its hard to get motivated because we make it difficult. We want to have people cheering us on, the weather to be perfect, all our housework to be already done, the perfect route mapped out, just the right equiptment, etc, etc...We overthink it and then cause ourselves to be lazy. My dad once said that overanalyziation leads to paralyzation. He's right. Its not that we got to busy, its that we relied on everything else to be perfect in our circumstances, instead of just going because it makes us feel good. I lose sight of that often. I have other things in life that make me feel good emotionally, so I often trade those for doing what makes me feel good physically. Funny thing is, you don't feel as good emotionally when you don't do something physical about it. So here I am with an aching back, feeling tired and working on inspiring. We've gotta inspire ourselves. We have to know that feeling good is worth it and that it doesn't matter if our workout is perfect. Sitting on the couch doesn't make us feel good as much as just walking around the block. Any workout is better than no workout. So go do something that makes you feel good physically! That aching stuff will go away with time. I promise you won't regret it.

Joe's accident from my view

It's amazing what one night can do to shake your foundations, even when you thought your foundations were pretty strong. Last Friday night my husband rolled his jeep and was pinned under it for 35 minutes before the firefighters arrived and got him out. I didn't get a call waking me with the worst news imaginable, I was in the car behind him. Blayne was walking around, Brogan was on the ground...I couldn't find my husband. I heard him yelling from the other side of the jeep. I found his hand waving for me, grabbed it and dialed 911. I told Allison I didn't know where we were since it was on gravel, but please find us because Joe and Brogan were trapped under the jeep. Joe said he wasn't going to make it. I didn't know if he would be paralyzed or if he was right. I hope none of you ever have to experience the terror of the possibility of losing a young spouse. I may be a strong person, but I told God that night I wouldn't make it if Joe didn't. Don't argue with me, I wouldn't. All I could think about was that I'd been irritated at him earlier in the night and hadn't let him put his arm sound me. What a terrible regret to have. I kept apologizing for being mad and he kept trying to tell me what I should do if he didn't make it. I continued to kiss his face and ask him to breathe, and forgive me, and tell me about what he'd done at work the day. He wanted to sleep. A police officer told me its best that I try to remain calm for him too. I wanted to yell at him and remind him that I'm a therapist and know this, but its easier said than done. He couldn't feel his legs. Brogan was trapped under the opposite side of the jeep, so all joe kept saying was, "Just put the weight on me and get him out!". I reminded him that he has people to live for too. Our friends tried to help. They tried to at least lift the jeep to lessen the pressure. Joe felt his legs when that happened. He then began to scream about his back burning. I didn't understand why. We were both being drenched by gasoline. He wanted me out of there. I wouldn't leave his side. The officers wanted me out of there too. I didn't care if I got stuck under there with him, I wasn't going to spend my last moments with my husband watching him scream and writhe in pain from a distance. The firefighters finally used a wench to lift the jeep. They got Brogan out and he was hospitalized and released within a matter of a few hours. The paramedics and Joe made me get out of the way. They got him out and into the ambulance. He could move and feel his legs but his back was burned horribly from his shoulders to his thigh. They wouldn't let me in the ambulance. All I wanted to know was that he was going to be ok. They took him to the airport and life-flighted him to KU med burn unit. A few hours later I arrived and sat in the ER with him while he slep in the hallway because they didn't have any rooms. My friends and his family stayed in the waiting room and I had the opportunity to just cry and lay my head on his gurney. This was one of the many times this past week that I'd lay my head down by him and cry when nobody was around. Its uncomfortable to cry in front of others because they want you to stop. Several hours later he was in the burn unit and on medication to keep him from pain. We wouldn't leave for 2 1/2 more days and he would go through the most pain he'd ever experienced. I didn't always keep it all together. I'm thankful to those who loved me anyway. I was able to take him home and care for his wounds, sometimes crying at the pain I was causing by changing the dressings. He is healing very well now. Growing new skin each day. His ribs hurt, but he had absolutely no internal injuries. It's incredible. People keep saying he and Brogan were lucky. I don't believe in luck. I don't know if there's a word for what they are, but its a combination of blessed, cared for, watched over, protected, and loved. All I know is that I am thankful. If you are reading this and don't realize how blessed you are in life, please take a moment to thank God for everything you have. I don't care if you don't believe in God, please, just be thankful for what you have. Cherish your people. Tell them the good things you think about them. Bless the world because you've been blessed.

ramblings.

well here we are, over a month after i proclaimed i'd be blogging and doing creative things regularly. ha. turns out some of those things that the book "the desire map" talk about are REALLY hard to put into practice! i guess my biggest problem in trying to work on following my core desired feelings (freedom, balance/wholeness, peace, strength) is that in my freedom; i really don't like to have to plan things. and this creates a problem when you're trying to plan to change your life. i feel like i struggle the most with indecision, ultimately. its not that i don't want to run after things and chase dreams, its also that i want to just follow wherever the wind takes me. i suppose that makes me an inegma, er something. maybe i'm just divergent. i just got done reading the book "divergent". it was great btw. (i love reading books before i see the movie. i know most people hate doing that, but i love being able to add to the creation in my imagination.) anyway, i don't really fit into a mold, or a faction or whatever it is that most people have to fit into. i like everything and i want to do and experience everything. which is a problem, considering that sometimes means i want to be with people, but i also want to be alone. and please don't give me an answer like, "well, you can always just go somewhere and sit around people", because it doesn't work like that lol considering what i do for a living is analyzing people's problems, its really hard for me to turn off when it comes to my own. i'm constantly over analyzing things and trying to make things better. i've always been the one that gets the job, is teacher's pet, gets promoted to do things because of this, and my ability to relate to people. there's always a great pay off to these things. the problem is, it's exhausting. nobody rewards you or likes you much when you stop. which has made growing up fun. i feel like at 30 i'm finally figuring myself out, and i really hate that. to everyone else, i look all put together, but its all been for the atta boy's and forward movements in life. come to find out, we usually attach our view of self to the positive or negative things people put on us. i got alot of attention for being friendly and responsible as a kid. which makes you not want to be yourself sometimes, because hey, it doesn't pay off very well. all this talk about being responsible and friendly to circle round to the fact that i've always been externally motivated. doing what felt good meant doing something for affirmation or praise or making someone else feel good. yeah, i know those are really good things. but they're not when you don't find out what makes you feel good without them. and that's where i am always indecisive. its a constant inner battle to make the simplest of decisions. its probably why i don't like to plan; if given the opportunity to analyze a decision, i'll ultimately try to chose what's logical and often don't chose what makes me happy. my husband is really really good at chosing what makes him happy. i envy him alot for this. he can just know what he wants to do, and then, do it. i think that's why i fell in love with him. plus, he doesn't put pressure on me to decide stuff or frankly judge me for doing or not doing anything. you see, when you've got a constant inner battle of turmoil going on, you really don't need someone else to criticise you; you're doing enough of it for yourself. that inner battle is exactly what makes me keep up the niceties at times and constantly be putting forth my best. very few people actually have seen me at my worst. i have tons of friends and thousands of acquaintances, but those few close friends don't judge me for my cynisism, sarcasm, judgementalism, laziness, selfishness or greed. so, i guess this blog post is dedicated to the people in my life who love and accept me for everything i am and everything i'm not. they allow me to make decisions easier because i know they will support me no matter what. and to my kind husband, who is always my great leader in chosing freedom and happiness.

Desire Mapping

So here I am sitting in my office enjoying my second snow day from work this week. Some days I hate snow, some days I really appreciate it :) A few weeks ago I decided to check out the book called "The Desire Map" by Danielle LaPorte. A few people I follow had been writing about how life changing it had been for them, and while normally I say, "well that's good for them", I'd seen the joy and exuberance that had been flowing from their pictures and words and couldn't help but be drawn to what's been causing this. While I know that the current life situation I've been given is meant to be, I've been feeling like something's been missing. For instance, 5 years ago when I moved to Portland, I did a ton of finding myself and when I came back, I found a lifestyle that made me feel free, joy, balanced and strong. I found the world of cycling and was in love with how it made me feel. I felt free riding trails, joy riding with friends, balanced by the routine spin class gave me (except for when I did too much :)) and strong by the exercise I was getting. And for a long time after moving to Garnett, I felt like I'd lost myself. Joe was so supportive in reaffirming me that I did fit in here, but I just didn't feel the way I did before. I wanted to go back to the lifestyle I'd had in Emporia where things just worked in my favor. Moving here was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I knew it was meant to be because everything lined up perfectly, but I wasn't getting those soul desired feelings met. I struggled and struggled and, after lots of lonely and tearful times, I resolved to pour myself into what it means to be myself in Garnett. It was a bit heart breaking since riding trails meant driving a half hour and planning a day...totally un-freeing. I felt lonely on my gravel rides, completely not what I got from rides in the past. I had no spin class, or fitness class in general to help me feel balanced. I had a rec center with a few cardio machines and weights. But I had to find the actual feeling I wanted and realize that it had to take on another form. I started a water aerobics class 2 summers ago and had a great turn out. I started teaching (we use that term loosly since I'm not certified, but the city doesn't care) yoga classes, and get the sense of joy with others. I recently joined a core and cardio class based on H.I.I.T. (High Intensity Interval Training) that has kicked my butt and provided that balance I needed. These are making me strong, and this makes me full. I've left out the word Free intentionally because I that one's currently in progress. I'm seeking that freedom through doing some life changing things that I'm not going to announce on the internet quite yet, but I'm really excited about what I'm working toward and the happiness it's going to bring me and my family. See, I've never been one to not see the target. I'm very driven and motivated to good feelings, so reading "The Desire Map" wasn't exactly revolutionalizing to me. More than anything it caused me to be reminded of that person I am and to help me make a few more steps in the right direction. One of those steps is in my creativity, often manifested in writing. So here I am. I won't always talk about fitness or "riding like a girl". I'm gonna talk about the essense of how things makes me free, joyful, balanced and strong. I'm a seeker. I'm not content with mediocrity (bless Joe's heart for always coming along for the ride!). I always want to increase my life in a positive way so I can give to the world from that abundance. So here goes! ps: if you've not read "The Desire Map" yet, do it. Change is scary, but boredom is scarier.

life transitions

well its been quite a long time since i wrote. i think mostly because i've felt guilty about not riding like i used to. getting married and moving away has been much for of a transition that i thought, even though its been a good transition. finally, almost a year after our wedding, i feel more motivated to ride again. some may not understand this, but joining two lives is CRAZY COMPLICATED!!! especially because we're both complete opposites. we tried joe riding with me, and have come to find that he doesn't like distance, so we've learned to pedal around town together. i can't complain, i'm just glad he likes bikes at all :) brooklyn now has a bike that attaches to mine and loves it. we may not ride far, but man its fun to do with her. its one of those things that bonds us together i think, since it's not joe's first pick in fun things to do. i haven't really done much trail riding, because, even though melvern is only 30 miles away, it's still not close by. and if any of you know me well, you know i do not like things to be complicated! thus, this joining of two lives has kept me from doing anything that would be remotely complicated on my own haha. i've done a little gravel riding with some folks around here, but sometimes even that gets complicated. i think i'm learning i like to just go out by myself. the problem with that in the past year or so since moving here was that i was alone all the time and so did not want to cause more alone time. joe has switched from working nights to days, so this has helped immensely and i'm feeling like i need the time to think. i'm also such a social person that just having a few friends isn't enough for me. this is one area joe and i are similar, so we're pretty good at finding people to hang out with. i've been trying to get involved in the community too. this summer i thought water aerobics (to boost my social side while i exercise), and today i started a yoga class! i'm going to a training in the spring to be certified, but the city was glad just to have someone to start a group fittness opportunity, so they didn't mind that i'm not certified yet. (i also made a qualifier to my yogies today too :)). back onto gravel riding alone: i rode monday a meisly 9 miles and got to thinking i really want to get back into the shape i was before. i can't do the same things i used to like spin class, but i can work to increase my miles at least once a week. i've gotta have a goal! so, i think my goal is to work toward a century gravel ride within the next year. so there you have it. you did not hear from me because i was transitioning into a life with two (and a half counting brooklyn) people but i'm still alive! and now thriving once again! :)

bikes are for kids!

life in another world has been different. you think you're so high functioning when you're in your own world, doing your own rituals and getting better and better at them. then God takes you out of the familiarity and you realize you're not quite as stable as you once thought you were. ...pride comes before a fall...?

i was getting really good at riding my bike in emporia. i was faster and tougher than alot of boys and i liked it that way. i was an expert at exhausting my body to rebuild it and ride harder. but i was also really unbalanced. being overtrained for over a year isn't the best thing for your body, and as it turns out, you don't have to work out like a maniac to keep a healthy weight. (yeah yeah, i knew this already, but those of you addicted to exercise understand)

i haven't been able to find a gym close that works in with my work/home life. since going to the gym has been the catalyst in all my major weight loss since college, this caused alot of anxiety for a while. i like the routine. i like the people i see that seem to keep me accountable. what can i say, i'm like a golden retriever when it comes to positive affirmation.

but, you can't do the same thing forever and expect growth. i was getting burnt out on bikes and that wasn't a good thing. joe has been the best thing to happen to me in so many ways, and balance has been one of those. he's not much for getting addicted to working out...he's really good at rest. we compliment eachother well. so i have been learning how to moderately exercise and rest well.

joe went on his first long-ish ride with me a few weeks ago. he did great except that his butt really hurt...i told him he'd get over it in about 2 weeks. he's decided to ride part of the bike ms with me. i knew that for the first time i didn't have anyone to prove anything to about how long i could ride, so when he agreed to do 37 miles with me, i was thrilled for the chance to spend time together doing something i love...and he will attempt to enjoy haha above are a few of our engagement pics taken by eric benjamin (who is totally retried, but is an awesome friend), complimenting our perspective favorite sports :)

i've been doing little rides here and there, and have started my own thursday night bike club. mostly, i'm just enjoying exercise again. somehow it had become such an obligation and stopped being much fun, like adulthood. i'm really glad to be at this point again. who cares how far or long i ride my bike. bikes are universally for people to enjoy, not to dread...like when you were a kid. so, what do you have to prove? get out there and be a kid yourself. enjoy your bike :)

crazy love.

"joe doesn't understand love and how much i love my bike." i said these words a few months ago after joe was moving some things and leaned something heavy on my road bike. of course, this isn't true, he does understand love, but we all know most normal people don't understand crazy bike love.

it's been interesting being with a person who doesn't do the bike thing. it's a little lonely, and there's this horrible inner battle that goes on in my head all the time: i should ride my bike cause it's nice out and i love my bike. i would also like to spend time with the man i'm in love with.

i was talking with lelan about how i haven't had as much time to ride since i met joe because life just gets busy when you have a family (i'm a soon to be step-mom too) and you're in grad school. he said he's really looking forward to the time when he's in love and would rather be with the woman of his dreams than on a bike. "oh wait, wait, wait a minute," i corrected him, "just because i'm in love and want to spend time with my fiance doesn't make it any easier to not ride my bike when it's a beautiful day out!"

but it's getting easier. i'm learning to ride when joe's busy doing other things and it's also alot easier now that we're living in the same town. it gets lonely sometimes though. i ride the prairie spirit trail pretty often because i know i can't get lost on it, but it gets boring after a while. today i branched out and ventured out to the beautiful land of gravel. but after getting lost and backtracking a bunch i felt a little like pacman, except i wasn't getting to eat cool stuff on the way. i did, however, get chased by a few dogs at which point i gave up and jumped back on the spirit trail to get back home, leaving me really feeling like i'd been pacman!

the awesome thing about being in love is that it's sacrifical. sometimes that's really overwhelming because you have to sacrifice a ton; like moving to a small town and joining someone else's family and dreams to begin to share a life together. and then other times, it's sacrificial on the other end.

you may recall that i took joe to the trails at camp alexander once. that wasn't the best experience on his part since i should have started him out on at least a bike that fit him, so he's not really wanted to ever get back on a bike again. but he knows my crazy love for bikes, so yesterday he said some pretty sweet words to me that were right up there wtih "will you marry me?"

he said to me, "i think when i get my work bonus, i'm going to get a bike". it's not really his thing, and he would much rather play basketball or some other team sport, but he's doing it because he loves me and wants to sacrifice for me too. sure, it may not seem like a very big deal to alot of people, but to those of you who understand crazy bike love understand that in the moment he spoke sweet words i've never loved him more.

we may not get to ride really fast or super long miles when he gets a bike, but i think he's starting to understand love and how much i love my bike. maybe soon he will have some crazy love for a bike too. we can only hope :)