I love Aldi. I've been going there since my grad school years when I limited myself to $100 a month of groceries. I didn't eat a variety of foods at the time, but I managed to actually eat fruit and vegetables and not starve. Since being married, I've carried over my Aldi patronage with my family and have managed to feed them semi-healthily and still have money left over to pay bills. Aldi has money saving reasons for me to justify driving 45 minutes each way, but it also has human saving reasons, too. If you've ever been to Aldi, you'd know that if you want to use a quarter, you'll have to put in a quarter to get one and that you bring your own bags and bag your own groceries. This is their money saving way of getting back their carts etc. I'm sure they have a few each year that go missing, but overall, most people are pretty protective of their quarters and everyone, whether they are hippies or not, are pretty careful to bring a recyclable bag. So a long time ago I saw the movie Pay It Forward, a movie where the concept of "paying it forward" instead of back was introduced to me. After watching this movie where a little boy came up with the kindness concept that we could pay forward what others had done for us and change the world, I decided to pay forward my Aldi quarters. Every time we go to Aldi, we give our used cart to someone new, smile and say "pay it forward to the next person", and leave with not only a full car of a months worth of groceries, but a full heart. See, in the movie, Hayley Joel Osment (or whatever ha), talks about the full heart giving to others creates, more so than paying back. A few months ago my pay it forward came back to me. I've probably spent $30 in quarters over the years, but it was worth it to see that there are others in the world trying to make a difference. But not only do I love the concept of paying the carts forward makes me feel good or that using my own bags feels responsible, I love that these acts make people communicate and interact. Most people will share their used boxes and talk to each other when they exchange quarters for their carts. In a world of online everything (I'm one to speak, as I write this blog on my phone), we forget to actually have conversations with one another sometimes. Maybe it's bc I worked with high schoolers this year who barely make eye contact and sometimes trip on their own feet bc they can't put their phones down, but our society is being turned into people who are self absorbed by the nature that they don't have opportunity to feel the good feels of giving back and getting a smile. So in my option, Walmart and Target stores may be making a killing in the finances, but regardless of what Aldi makes, they're making a difference in our world, and I love them for that.

As I sit here rocking my sweet, recovering from a fever, babe, I'm thankful for the days to be able to stay home and nurture him. Recently I've been questioning everything about myself. As if I've suddenly lost my confidence and replaced it with a constant nag of everything I do and have done wrong. I feel like I can't keep everything up at home, I'm not biking/spinning/losing weight like I want to, and I'm always wrong in someone's eyes at work. It's really fun. This isn't like the postpartum depression I experienced where I was anxious about EVERYTHING (which was actually a real thing in hindsight, rather than what seemed like "adjustment"...I won't go into detail, but if you think you might have even a slight case, ask for more support in some way, even if it's not meds.), it's more self doubt. I'd love to solve all this with positive self talk, but that doesn't always work because I'm in my own head. What does work is the smile on my sons face and his laughter and arms reaching out for me to hold him. It's not that I need my son to feel validated as a person, it's that our need for each other is validating. I know he's what my job is. His face reminds me that I'm doing ok at my job. He's healthy, seriously the happiest baby I've ever met, and very loved. That's my job. My perspective of my priorities has changed, I suppose. I can't give my 110% to work, friends, bikes and housework, but my job as a mommy takes more than my 110%. So even on horrible days, I can pick him up from daycare and be reminded that I'm doing a good job. And that's all I need, really. To be the mommy I was created to be. Nothing more, nothing less.

thankfulness

I'm pretty sure my husband gets embarrassed when I brag on him online, so I'm gonna brag on him on my blog...which he never reads lol I've been lamenting lately about how boring we've been since pregnancy. I sleep a lot (yes, more than I used to), get cranky easily, and for some reason I've become much more introverted than ever before. Taking time to spend at home doesn't bother me too much usually, but I often feel sorry for my 100% extroverted husband. And yet he never complains. A while back I had a big hormonal meltdown (of which I'm not sure I even know the point) and joes take away was that I needed more help with the housework. You see, I didn't realize this until getting married, but I'm a little OCD when it comes to clutter and dishes. And when I say OCD I mean I get overwhelmed and frustrated much easier and then usually am grouchy to the people I love. It's not pleasant. So Joe decided his New Years resolution is to keep the dish washer always available for dirty dishes so he can keep them off the counters for me. Not only has he done that, but he's also been taking my laundry to the basement bc it's awkwardly heavy for the pregnant girl, picked up his things and takes the dog outside at ungodly hours so I can sleep instead of going into the freezing cold. Yesterday I did our Aldo trip with a friend so I didn't have to lift all the crazy heavy stuff and then joe asked me to just take in the cold stuff bc he would put away all the rest. This morning I looked into our filled cupboards and said to myself "I love him". Bc I do. More every day.

Shut up and rest

I don't know why it takes me so long to blog. I think maybe bc I always feel like I need to actually have somethimg to say. And you know what I mean, there's never anything worse than spending your precious time reading someone's thoughs on absolutely nothing or their boring update about what they've been doing. I guess the times I feel I can write are when I have learned a lesson, and apparently i am a slow learner and a sheep like the Bible talks about us all being. So here's what I've learned lately: I'm not sharing what I learn enough. Simce I work in a school setting I've had a great opportunity to have two weeks off work which have been very needed. While I haven't been very "productive" in cleaning my house or working on lesson plans and a 30 page project that's due in April for my final license, I've been productive in resting. Not just physically, though I have done my fair share of power sleeping, but mentally. We don't slow down enough in life. Sometimes I wish I were in Africa where things start "eventually" and people have less cases of exhaustion and anxiety. But I giess I can create my own African experience by just shutting up and slowimg down. there's really no sense in constantly doing. All it does is cause burn out and make me cranky and un-fun. Like I said, I'm learning that I'm not sharing enough of what I learn. In my resting, I've realized that I'm afraid of really saying what I mean or feel for lots of reasons: you might not get my spiritual God-talk and think I'm a wacko, you might judge my weaknesses, you might try to tell me "it's ok" and why I shouldn't feel the way I do. Ugh, that last one is the most dreaded of why I am not always real with people. Who wants someone to tell them they've really messed up in their feelings and that someone else has it figured out but I'm not going to get there with that attitude. Oh, last reason for avoidance: sometimes I'm really sarcastic and not optimistic. also, I swear sometimes. People don't always get that its a way of venting and isn't meant to offend anyone....so they get offended and stop liking you. Are you getting the idea yet that I really like people to like me? Yeah it used to be helpful lol now It just keeps me from fulfilling my callings. That being said, Gods been working on my shielded nature a lot lately. God wants me to share my unsheilded self. I haven't been fulfilled bc I know that I've not been real with others to a point of lacking shame and the good Lord has patiently reminded me that others will not learn from my explore des unless I share them. So here goes: Most of you know Im prego. It was totally planned and I was really excited for about 3 weeks. And then I stsrted getting what they call "morning sickness". Ha. If that timeframe isn't the meanest joke I've ever heard! I wasn't sick just in the mornings, I was sick all day every day for I don't know how many weeks. I felt like I did when I had mono in high school on top of what felt like a constant flu. Thanks to everyone who NEVER tells you pregnancy can really suck. And it can. Once I finally started feeling sort of better I stopped being able to fit into my pants. And thanks to expensive maternity clothes and Christmas time, I haven't broken down and gotten maternity clothes. 1: I think they're really dumb on the principle that I cam only wear them a certain time in my life. It's not practical and i was a raised a practical girl damnit (thanks dad). Anywho, all this to say pregnancy Hasnt been fun AT ALL. And I'm here to tell everyone who wants to have a kid to know that you've been fairly warned. But here's the thing: I think most of my lack of excitement over this pregnancy the end result is so far away and it's flipping scary! That's a no brainer for everyone and people have been having babies for centuries and they keep doing it so all I can tell myself is that if they keep doing it, it's surely a big pay off. (please don't comment here and try to cheer me on...it's not encouraging to hear from others that they think I can do it for whatever reason...I'm kind of the one who has to put my big girl stretchy pants on and face the monster in front of me) The fear of being a parent is shaded by the fact that I'm a step-mom. Now this is where I'm not going to be perfect and put together whatsoever. Step-parenting is the HARDEST, I MEAN THE HARDEST job I've ever done. Here you have this person who is very much not like you and you are supposed to love every minute of being at their every beck and call with the boundaries they get from their other home and are expected to be nice and patient and perfect at all times bc that small person is only in your home sometimes and you want to make it count. Plus you want to instill in them qualities and knowledge they will only get at your house. It's pretty overwhelming and I don't do a good job being patient. I know having my own child will be such a different experience but you always question your parenting in general when the experience you're having is not rewarding or fun most of the time. And then I finally slowed down and every scripture I've read lately has had somethimg to do with God being with me and understanding me and giving me the strength I need. And it all stops being so scary. If I have a Creator who's got it all figured out, I really don't have to try so hard. My job is to let Him do the work and for me to rest and praise Him for it. My time to work comes and He gives me the power to do what's needed but never expected me to have it all figured out. He expects me to shut up, rest and let him show me how it goes. So here goes. see you back here for the next lesson I learn.

End of my Summer

Tomorrow I start a new job as an elementary school counselor. I've been off work for 6 weeks (thanks to my husband for understanding), and its not been what I'd expected, but it's been what I needed. I had every intention of completely deep cleaning my entire house, finishing the bathroom tile that we've been procrastinating, biking long distances, visiting many friends, blogging often and even learning to make fondant for a cake. Guess how much of that I accomplished? Well, I deep cleaned a few parts of my house... My previous job was less than wonderful, and because of that, I spent a ton of time not doing the things that make me smile or feel whole. 3 years of working somewhere you are concerned about your job security most days and expected to be something you're not can really take a toll on your happiness. So this whole time I was thinking that once I got some mental health days in, I'd be rearing to go and would get all those above things accomplished. Turns out I'd lost a little bit of who I was, and I needed to decompress to get that back. Instead, I spent lots of time watching reality tv, cooking meals for my husband, maintaining the cleanliness of my home, going for walks with my dog, tying up loose ends like getting things ordered and put away in the office, and sleeping. I was fortunate to have both my siblings visit for a week each, see my brother in law marry my new "outlaw" buddy, go to all Joe's team's tournaments and do a little shopping for myself. In all actuality, these are the things that are close to my heart that I had neglected, but didn't realize it. I have to admit that I'm not very excited to start this new job. I'd wanted a high school position, but this is the one that was close-ish and offered me a job. I would have waitied longer to find a high school job, but I needed out of the prevoius one desprately and was willing to do anything else for a year until another high school one came open. I think I'm also nervous since I'd had such high expectations for the previous position. My fault, I know, but I'd trusted that God would take care of me (in the way I'd expected) and He chose to grow me instead. I reminded him this morning while journaling in the yard on my swing that I need a little break from growing. I let him know that I'd been upset with how he let me struggle the last 3 years. He's always pretty good at taking my copmlaining. I've been really appreciative of my break. I joke with Joe that I could easily not work and be completely content. He'd disagree because he thinks I'm already starting to lose it. I'm sure I'm just getting way too involved in my own introversion, so its a litle hard for me to socialize appropriately, but I don't mind ;) So tomorrow I begin a new job and remind myself to continue to do the things that make me smile and feel whole.

Tri-Yak-A-Thon 2014

My friend Krisi is getting into triathalons and registered for what was called the "Tri-Yak-a-thon" (run, kyak, bike) in Fort Scott. She's not a huge fan of going down hills, so when she realized that the bike part was single track, she called for my assistance. "I'll pay for half your entry fee! I just really don't want to do the bike part; I will die!". I laughed and agreed to help her out with the warning that it's been over a year since I rode single track and 3 since my last race. My last race. Ah yes. The one where I was more out of shape than I realized, but I still rode my @ss off to the point that it was dangerous and I wrecked. The race where I endo'd (went over my handlebars) and later found out that the pain in my hand was a dislocated finger. The race where I won 3rd in the state...simply for showing up. I remember that quite well. It put the fear of God in me where I lacked regarding going down hills and crashing. I used to not have a fear of going down hill or crashing. Those were good times. Ignorant times, but good times. I was really good at being reckless on my bike, crashing, bleeding and getting up to do it all over again once I knew nothing was broken. All without health insurance, might I add. Then I got married and all my feelings of invincibility were smothered to death by the idea that I'd be financial or emotional burden to someone else if I had a bad enough accident. They say 80% of physical activity is mental, and I'd have to agree with that. From that point on, even after I had health insurance, I was much less enthusiastic about riding trails, alone, with others, slowly or with trepidation. Getting married took all the fun out of my trail riding lifestyle. And it didn't come from Joe either. He was all supportive about me doing what made me happy. It was all in my head. I was worried about being a burden. I didn't travel to ride anywhere because it just took too much work and kept me from getting settled into my marriage and family life here. I do a really good job of exhausting myself thinking without actually doing anything. So when it came to race day with Kristi, I wasn't actually as excited as I let on. I didn't really want to leave home where I had dishes, laundry, dusting and gardening to do. Not to mention sleeping! I love sleeping! But I did. Kristi and I left and were amongst a small group of the 10am heat. And heat was right. I haven't worked out in the humidity yet, so just watching the bike and kyak was exhausting. Then I got onto the trail and it was even hotter. That and I'm not in cardio shape like I used to be, so I found myself practicing my deep breathing and self talk...ok it was more like self yell. I was yelling at myself, and I'm sure that everyone around me thought I was crazy, but at least I was motivating myself and everyone else who had to hear me screaming, "Come on! You've got this! Quit being a pansy!" and other explictives lol Foolishly I'd put "half clipless pedals" on recently (clipless means your shoes clip into either side of the small pedal. Half clipless means one side is flat for tennis shoes and the other is for clipping your shoes), since I'd been riding gravel and I hadn't thought to change them over for the race. Pretty sure I spent at least 10 minutes of the race trying to get back into my pedals after needing to clip out. ugh. That made me yell at myself more lol. The race was to be 6.2 miles and about half way through the track got really really smooth and was lots of down hill. I WAS IN HEAVEN!!! I can do fast down hills and jump over stuff when it's smooth so easily :) So once I'd gotten warmed up to where I wasn't huffing and puffing, my ride turned out to be the reminder of why I used to do this reckless thing we call single track mtb: because I love it. I love that its free. I love that not many females are brave enough to do it. I love that I can focus my mind one this one thing and feel like I've solved the world's problems in 45 minutes. And I love that it's a little reckless (not too bad since I have insurance now) It's an incredibly empowering thing to do and its something that is a part of me. Part of you gets a little lost when you settle down with someone, move, change jobs or any other big life change. I'm thankful to know that I've not lost the part of me that I felt like I found back in grad school when Stephanie Brown first took me out to the trails at Camp Alexander on my birthday with my brand new bike. So that's my word for the day. Find the parts of you that have made you feel empowered, dangerous, inspired, or even a little reckless and do them! You will not be disappointed that you didn't stay home and clean your house ;)

Doomsday

The dreaded day has come. I never thought I'd see the day when 20 miles on gravel would make me tired, but here it is. I did almost 20 today (and only half was gravel), and I'm pooped. And disappointed (okay, not totally disappointed, since I'm glad I just got out there). I know, most of you are reacting in astonishment in my disappointment in myself, but you've gotta realize that there was a day when 20 miles was a walk in a the park. The thing about this area is that there are opportunities for people to be active and get fit, but most of them look at you like you're crazy when you try to do it. That's the problem for me. Sure, there are miles and miles of gravel here, but I never biked gravel because I simly loved it. I biked gravel because I had so many friends cheering me on and telling me it was awesome, not saying "wow, you're crazy". I miss hearing, "that's awesome, I bet you can do 60 miles next time." Or even having other people to compete with. It's not very motivating when you're the fastest and can go the farthest....and you're still not going above your personal best. Honestly, working out is a tricky thing for most people. Its hard to get motivated because we make it difficult. We want to have people cheering us on, the weather to be perfect, all our housework to be already done, the perfect route mapped out, just the right equiptment, etc, etc...We overthink it and then cause ourselves to be lazy. My dad once said that overanalyziation leads to paralyzation. He's right. Its not that we got to busy, its that we relied on everything else to be perfect in our circumstances, instead of just going because it makes us feel good. I lose sight of that often. I have other things in life that make me feel good emotionally, so I often trade those for doing what makes me feel good physically. Funny thing is, you don't feel as good emotionally when you don't do something physical about it. So here I am with an aching back, feeling tired and working on inspiring. We've gotta inspire ourselves. We have to know that feeling good is worth it and that it doesn't matter if our workout is perfect. Sitting on the couch doesn't make us feel good as much as just walking around the block. Any workout is better than no workout. So go do something that makes you feel good physically! That aching stuff will go away with time. I promise you won't regret it.

Joe's accident from my view

It's amazing what one night can do to shake your foundations, even when you thought your foundations were pretty strong. Last Friday night my husband rolled his jeep and was pinned under it for 35 minutes before the firefighters arrived and got him out. I didn't get a call waking me with the worst news imaginable, I was in the car behind him. Blayne was walking around, Brogan was on the ground...I couldn't find my husband. I heard him yelling from the other side of the jeep. I found his hand waving for me, grabbed it and dialed 911. I told Allison I didn't know where we were since it was on gravel, but please find us because Joe and Brogan were trapped under the jeep. Joe said he wasn't going to make it. I didn't know if he would be paralyzed or if he was right. I hope none of you ever have to experience the terror of the possibility of losing a young spouse. I may be a strong person, but I told God that night I wouldn't make it if Joe didn't. Don't argue with me, I wouldn't. All I could think about was that I'd been irritated at him earlier in the night and hadn't let him put his arm sound me. What a terrible regret to have. I kept apologizing for being mad and he kept trying to tell me what I should do if he didn't make it. I continued to kiss his face and ask him to breathe, and forgive me, and tell me about what he'd done at work the day. He wanted to sleep. A police officer told me its best that I try to remain calm for him too. I wanted to yell at him and remind him that I'm a therapist and know this, but its easier said than done. He couldn't feel his legs. Brogan was trapped under the opposite side of the jeep, so all joe kept saying was, "Just put the weight on me and get him out!". I reminded him that he has people to live for too. Our friends tried to help. They tried to at least lift the jeep to lessen the pressure. Joe felt his legs when that happened. He then began to scream about his back burning. I didn't understand why. We were both being drenched by gasoline. He wanted me out of there. I wouldn't leave his side. The officers wanted me out of there too. I didn't care if I got stuck under there with him, I wasn't going to spend my last moments with my husband watching him scream and writhe in pain from a distance. The firefighters finally used a wench to lift the jeep. They got Brogan out and he was hospitalized and released within a matter of a few hours. The paramedics and Joe made me get out of the way. They got him out and into the ambulance. He could move and feel his legs but his back was burned horribly from his shoulders to his thigh. They wouldn't let me in the ambulance. All I wanted to know was that he was going to be ok. They took him to the airport and life-flighted him to KU med burn unit. A few hours later I arrived and sat in the ER with him while he slep in the hallway because they didn't have any rooms. My friends and his family stayed in the waiting room and I had the opportunity to just cry and lay my head on his gurney. This was one of the many times this past week that I'd lay my head down by him and cry when nobody was around. Its uncomfortable to cry in front of others because they want you to stop. Several hours later he was in the burn unit and on medication to keep him from pain. We wouldn't leave for 2 1/2 more days and he would go through the most pain he'd ever experienced. I didn't always keep it all together. I'm thankful to those who loved me anyway. I was able to take him home and care for his wounds, sometimes crying at the pain I was causing by changing the dressings. He is healing very well now. Growing new skin each day. His ribs hurt, but he had absolutely no internal injuries. It's incredible. People keep saying he and Brogan were lucky. I don't believe in luck. I don't know if there's a word for what they are, but its a combination of blessed, cared for, watched over, protected, and loved. All I know is that I am thankful. If you are reading this and don't realize how blessed you are in life, please take a moment to thank God for everything you have. I don't care if you don't believe in God, please, just be thankful for what you have. Cherish your people. Tell them the good things you think about them. Bless the world because you've been blessed.

ramblings.

well here we are, over a month after i proclaimed i'd be blogging and doing creative things regularly. ha. turns out some of those things that the book "the desire map" talk about are REALLY hard to put into practice! i guess my biggest problem in trying to work on following my core desired feelings (freedom, balance/wholeness, peace, strength) is that in my freedom; i really don't like to have to plan things. and this creates a problem when you're trying to plan to change your life. i feel like i struggle the most with indecision, ultimately. its not that i don't want to run after things and chase dreams, its also that i want to just follow wherever the wind takes me. i suppose that makes me an inegma, er something. maybe i'm just divergent. i just got done reading the book "divergent". it was great btw. (i love reading books before i see the movie. i know most people hate doing that, but i love being able to add to the creation in my imagination.) anyway, i don't really fit into a mold, or a faction or whatever it is that most people have to fit into. i like everything and i want to do and experience everything. which is a problem, considering that sometimes means i want to be with people, but i also want to be alone. and please don't give me an answer like, "well, you can always just go somewhere and sit around people", because it doesn't work like that lol considering what i do for a living is analyzing people's problems, its really hard for me to turn off when it comes to my own. i'm constantly over analyzing things and trying to make things better. i've always been the one that gets the job, is teacher's pet, gets promoted to do things because of this, and my ability to relate to people. there's always a great pay off to these things. the problem is, it's exhausting. nobody rewards you or likes you much when you stop. which has made growing up fun. i feel like at 30 i'm finally figuring myself out, and i really hate that. to everyone else, i look all put together, but its all been for the atta boy's and forward movements in life. come to find out, we usually attach our view of self to the positive or negative things people put on us. i got alot of attention for being friendly and responsible as a kid. which makes you not want to be yourself sometimes, because hey, it doesn't pay off very well. all this talk about being responsible and friendly to circle round to the fact that i've always been externally motivated. doing what felt good meant doing something for affirmation or praise or making someone else feel good. yeah, i know those are really good things. but they're not when you don't find out what makes you feel good without them. and that's where i am always indecisive. its a constant inner battle to make the simplest of decisions. its probably why i don't like to plan; if given the opportunity to analyze a decision, i'll ultimately try to chose what's logical and often don't chose what makes me happy. my husband is really really good at chosing what makes him happy. i envy him alot for this. he can just know what he wants to do, and then, do it. i think that's why i fell in love with him. plus, he doesn't put pressure on me to decide stuff or frankly judge me for doing or not doing anything. you see, when you've got a constant inner battle of turmoil going on, you really don't need someone else to criticise you; you're doing enough of it for yourself. that inner battle is exactly what makes me keep up the niceties at times and constantly be putting forth my best. very few people actually have seen me at my worst. i have tons of friends and thousands of acquaintances, but those few close friends don't judge me for my cynisism, sarcasm, judgementalism, laziness, selfishness or greed. so, i guess this blog post is dedicated to the people in my life who love and accept me for everything i am and everything i'm not. they allow me to make decisions easier because i know they will support me no matter what. and to my kind husband, who is always my great leader in chosing freedom and happiness.

Desire Mapping

So here I am sitting in my office enjoying my second snow day from work this week. Some days I hate snow, some days I really appreciate it :) A few weeks ago I decided to check out the book called "The Desire Map" by Danielle LaPorte. A few people I follow had been writing about how life changing it had been for them, and while normally I say, "well that's good for them", I'd seen the joy and exuberance that had been flowing from their pictures and words and couldn't help but be drawn to what's been causing this. While I know that the current life situation I've been given is meant to be, I've been feeling like something's been missing. For instance, 5 years ago when I moved to Portland, I did a ton of finding myself and when I came back, I found a lifestyle that made me feel free, joy, balanced and strong. I found the world of cycling and was in love with how it made me feel. I felt free riding trails, joy riding with friends, balanced by the routine spin class gave me (except for when I did too much :)) and strong by the exercise I was getting. And for a long time after moving to Garnett, I felt like I'd lost myself. Joe was so supportive in reaffirming me that I did fit in here, but I just didn't feel the way I did before. I wanted to go back to the lifestyle I'd had in Emporia where things just worked in my favor. Moving here was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I knew it was meant to be because everything lined up perfectly, but I wasn't getting those soul desired feelings met. I struggled and struggled and, after lots of lonely and tearful times, I resolved to pour myself into what it means to be myself in Garnett. It was a bit heart breaking since riding trails meant driving a half hour and planning a day...totally un-freeing. I felt lonely on my gravel rides, completely not what I got from rides in the past. I had no spin class, or fitness class in general to help me feel balanced. I had a rec center with a few cardio machines and weights. But I had to find the actual feeling I wanted and realize that it had to take on another form. I started a water aerobics class 2 summers ago and had a great turn out. I started teaching (we use that term loosly since I'm not certified, but the city doesn't care) yoga classes, and get the sense of joy with others. I recently joined a core and cardio class based on H.I.I.T. (High Intensity Interval Training) that has kicked my butt and provided that balance I needed. These are making me strong, and this makes me full. I've left out the word Free intentionally because I that one's currently in progress. I'm seeking that freedom through doing some life changing things that I'm not going to announce on the internet quite yet, but I'm really excited about what I'm working toward and the happiness it's going to bring me and my family. See, I've never been one to not see the target. I'm very driven and motivated to good feelings, so reading "The Desire Map" wasn't exactly revolutionalizing to me. More than anything it caused me to be reminded of that person I am and to help me make a few more steps in the right direction. One of those steps is in my creativity, often manifested in writing. So here I am. I won't always talk about fitness or "riding like a girl". I'm gonna talk about the essense of how things makes me free, joyful, balanced and strong. I'm a seeker. I'm not content with mediocrity (bless Joe's heart for always coming along for the ride!). I always want to increase my life in a positive way so I can give to the world from that abundance. So here goes! ps: if you've not read "The Desire Map" yet, do it. Change is scary, but boredom is scarier.

life transitions

well its been quite a long time since i wrote. i think mostly because i've felt guilty about not riding like i used to. getting married and moving away has been much for of a transition that i thought, even though its been a good transition. finally, almost a year after our wedding, i feel more motivated to ride again. some may not understand this, but joining two lives is CRAZY COMPLICATED!!! especially because we're both complete opposites. we tried joe riding with me, and have come to find that he doesn't like distance, so we've learned to pedal around town together. i can't complain, i'm just glad he likes bikes at all :) brooklyn now has a bike that attaches to mine and loves it. we may not ride far, but man its fun to do with her. its one of those things that bonds us together i think, since it's not joe's first pick in fun things to do. i haven't really done much trail riding, because, even though melvern is only 30 miles away, it's still not close by. and if any of you know me well, you know i do not like things to be complicated! thus, this joining of two lives has kept me from doing anything that would be remotely complicated on my own haha. i've done a little gravel riding with some folks around here, but sometimes even that gets complicated. i think i'm learning i like to just go out by myself. the problem with that in the past year or so since moving here was that i was alone all the time and so did not want to cause more alone time. joe has switched from working nights to days, so this has helped immensely and i'm feeling like i need the time to think. i'm also such a social person that just having a few friends isn't enough for me. this is one area joe and i are similar, so we're pretty good at finding people to hang out with. i've been trying to get involved in the community too. this summer i thought water aerobics (to boost my social side while i exercise), and today i started a yoga class! i'm going to a training in the spring to be certified, but the city was glad just to have someone to start a group fittness opportunity, so they didn't mind that i'm not certified yet. (i also made a qualifier to my yogies today too :)). back onto gravel riding alone: i rode monday a meisly 9 miles and got to thinking i really want to get back into the shape i was before. i can't do the same things i used to like spin class, but i can work to increase my miles at least once a week. i've gotta have a goal! so, i think my goal is to work toward a century gravel ride within the next year. so there you have it. you did not hear from me because i was transitioning into a life with two (and a half counting brooklyn) people but i'm still alive! and now thriving once again! :)

bikes are for kids!

life in another world has been different. you think you're so high functioning when you're in your own world, doing your own rituals and getting better and better at them. then God takes you out of the familiarity and you realize you're not quite as stable as you once thought you were. ...pride comes before a fall...?

i was getting really good at riding my bike in emporia. i was faster and tougher than alot of boys and i liked it that way. i was an expert at exhausting my body to rebuild it and ride harder. but i was also really unbalanced. being overtrained for over a year isn't the best thing for your body, and as it turns out, you don't have to work out like a maniac to keep a healthy weight. (yeah yeah, i knew this already, but those of you addicted to exercise understand)

i haven't been able to find a gym close that works in with my work/home life. since going to the gym has been the catalyst in all my major weight loss since college, this caused alot of anxiety for a while. i like the routine. i like the people i see that seem to keep me accountable. what can i say, i'm like a golden retriever when it comes to positive affirmation.

but, you can't do the same thing forever and expect growth. i was getting burnt out on bikes and that wasn't a good thing. joe has been the best thing to happen to me in so many ways, and balance has been one of those. he's not much for getting addicted to working out...he's really good at rest. we compliment eachother well. so i have been learning how to moderately exercise and rest well.

joe went on his first long-ish ride with me a few weeks ago. he did great except that his butt really hurt...i told him he'd get over it in about 2 weeks. he's decided to ride part of the bike ms with me. i knew that for the first time i didn't have anyone to prove anything to about how long i could ride, so when he agreed to do 37 miles with me, i was thrilled for the chance to spend time together doing something i love...and he will attempt to enjoy haha above are a few of our engagement pics taken by eric benjamin (who is totally retried, but is an awesome friend), complimenting our perspective favorite sports :)

i've been doing little rides here and there, and have started my own thursday night bike club. mostly, i'm just enjoying exercise again. somehow it had become such an obligation and stopped being much fun, like adulthood. i'm really glad to be at this point again. who cares how far or long i ride my bike. bikes are universally for people to enjoy, not to dread...like when you were a kid. so, what do you have to prove? get out there and be a kid yourself. enjoy your bike :)

crazy love.

"joe doesn't understand love and how much i love my bike." i said these words a few months ago after joe was moving some things and leaned something heavy on my road bike. of course, this isn't true, he does understand love, but we all know most normal people don't understand crazy bike love.

it's been interesting being with a person who doesn't do the bike thing. it's a little lonely, and there's this horrible inner battle that goes on in my head all the time: i should ride my bike cause it's nice out and i love my bike. i would also like to spend time with the man i'm in love with.

i was talking with lelan about how i haven't had as much time to ride since i met joe because life just gets busy when you have a family (i'm a soon to be step-mom too) and you're in grad school. he said he's really looking forward to the time when he's in love and would rather be with the woman of his dreams than on a bike. "oh wait, wait, wait a minute," i corrected him, "just because i'm in love and want to spend time with my fiance doesn't make it any easier to not ride my bike when it's a beautiful day out!"

but it's getting easier. i'm learning to ride when joe's busy doing other things and it's also alot easier now that we're living in the same town. it gets lonely sometimes though. i ride the prairie spirit trail pretty often because i know i can't get lost on it, but it gets boring after a while. today i branched out and ventured out to the beautiful land of gravel. but after getting lost and backtracking a bunch i felt a little like pacman, except i wasn't getting to eat cool stuff on the way. i did, however, get chased by a few dogs at which point i gave up and jumped back on the spirit trail to get back home, leaving me really feeling like i'd been pacman!

the awesome thing about being in love is that it's sacrifical. sometimes that's really overwhelming because you have to sacrifice a ton; like moving to a small town and joining someone else's family and dreams to begin to share a life together. and then other times, it's sacrificial on the other end.

you may recall that i took joe to the trails at camp alexander once. that wasn't the best experience on his part since i should have started him out on at least a bike that fit him, so he's not really wanted to ever get back on a bike again. but he knows my crazy love for bikes, so yesterday he said some pretty sweet words to me that were right up there wtih "will you marry me?"

he said to me, "i think when i get my work bonus, i'm going to get a bike". it's not really his thing, and he would much rather play basketball or some other team sport, but he's doing it because he loves me and wants to sacrifice for me too. sure, it may not seem like a very big deal to alot of people, but to those of you who understand crazy bike love understand that in the moment he spoke sweet words i've never loved him more.

we may not get to ride really fast or super long miles when he gets a bike, but i think he's starting to understand love and how much i love my bike. maybe soon he will have some crazy love for a bike too. we can only hope :)

welcome to crazyville

this has been an intense week. who knew being engaged would send time into a spin and you wouldn't know which way was up? we've gotten all the big details planned, i got my dress :) and i've successfully created major drama in my family. well, i'm sure i'm not the one who created it, my wedding just happens to be the catalyist of crazyville and my family thinking it's their day. course, i can't say it's my day or i'll be labled a bride-zilla. i've been really thankful for the people in my life who've been supportive of whatever decision i make. they have NO IDEA how much it means to me! not to mention how patient joe is. i'm more thankful for him every day.

i have this habit of getting sick when i'm stressed out. so guess who's sick? i tried to lay low this week, but i had to take the national counselor's exam yesterday so i was kind on edge all week. i think it went pretty well, so thanks for all of you who prayed for me. but who knows, i can't make any assumptions till i have my results in 6 weeks.

i had registered to race at the bone bender today thinking it would be an awesome stress reliever. it would have been if i hadn't woken up last night terrified because i wasn't able to catch my breath several times and had to cough it out. i shouldn't have pre-registered, but oh well, maybe they'll refund me. if not, it's not the end of the world.

we have, however set a date! november 5th, 2011! we didn't want to do it any later because of weather and holidays, and any earlier would be financially impossible, so that's what we picked. the awesomest thing is i've realized november 5th is a memorable day for several reasons: if you've seen v for vendetta, the key phrase repeated in the movie was "remember remember the 5th of november", and, my personal favorite, back to the future's flux capacitor day of 1955! memorable our day will be for sure.

school gets out in 4 weeks and i'm almost done with all my assignments. being done with school is kind of a crazy concept since i've been in school for 20 out of 27 years of my life. i'm really looking forward to it though.

until then we press on! and who knows, maybe i'll get better soon and get to ride my bike :)

BIG LIFE CHANGES!!!

i'm beginning to understand why there aren't many ladies to race. or at least one reason. while men can compartmentalize really well and tend to take more time out for themselves, women tend to be the opposite extreme. everything in our lives runs into everything else and we usually spread ourselves too thin. especially in the area of family.

i always knew i'd have to give up riding as much once i had a family, i just never knew it would come so soon...because...

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! joe and i got engaged yesterday! i thought this day would never come for me! lol

we've been talking about it a while and i've been adjusting to learning to be a step-mommy to his 3 year old little girl who's just amazing :)

while this new life is awesome and everything i've ever asked for, it's also a HUGE adjustment. i've been really independent for a really long time. so now i'm really admiring those wives and moms who have so much going on! being in grad school probably doesn't help the situation too much haha doing internship, school, and work, job hunting, and then joining joe's world every weekend is a pretty intense lifestyle.

i take the national counselor's exam next saturday so pray for me please. after that, i have a few assignments and then i'll graduate! woo!!! pray i get a job too please! you laugh, but the economy has not been kind to the mental health feild.

the great thing i've been learning about riding is that i just can't do everything. i had to quit spin because i was getting overtrained all the time. stress kinda keeps you from recovery apparently. i've done little bits here and there and have been working on not feeling guilty for not riding when its beautiful or when i should. bikes should be happy right. i want my rides to be because i love bikes and its a perfect time to take out for myself, not because i feel like i'll get fat if i don't ride, or that i won't be able to keep up with anyone later.

that being said, i've gotten some really awesome trail rides in this past week. i've been stronger not going to spin class than i was when i was going 4-5 times a week. who knewwww!? haha i've conqured some spots that i haven't ever been able to do before, and i've had a blast!

next weekend, to celebrate taking the nce saturday, i will race at the bone bender in lawrence. i may not be as fast as i could be if i were training all the time or didn't have stress, but i'm going to have a blast. i've been very blessed and it's time to celebrate that!

get out there and ride because you want to :)

i'm baaaaaaack!!!

tuesday at spin class sam mentioned something about me never updating my bike blog...which i think is a bit of an overstatement ;) but if the people miss me, i must respond.

yes, you've heard it correctly, i'm back. to spin class that is! i'd quit sometime in october because i couldn't take the stress of living out in the county and therefore packing my day from 5am to 9pm. but recently i've moved back in with my mom during the week and was real excited to be able to join the gym again!

now i know many of you think i'm crazy for actually liking to wake up at 5am and torture my body with the intensity of a spin class. but i must remind you of a previous post in which i explained to you all that i am extrinsically motivated. therefore, i was stoked waking up the other day at 5 knowing some of my spin friends would be faithfully attending and happy to see me again! that, and i love routine when it comes to a work out. it keeps me working toward outdoing myself.

i also know some of you think i'm gonna outdo myself in a bad way. but don't you worry, after being overtrained for most of last year, i'm gonna keep myself to only 3 spin classes a week :)

have a great superbowl weekend friends!

never say never

i've watched alot of my friends fall off of the face of the earth when they get into relationships. heck, i went to a bible college, so i was kind of a pro at guessing the exact moment a friend might fall into the abyss. sometimes it was kind of irritating and although i understood, i always said that would never happen to me.

they say never to say never for a reason. i've recently fallen off the face of the earth and am spending a big majority of my spare (and studying) time with joe. now i do have to give myself some credit and remind myself that i am in grad school. and that this happens to be my last semester. if any of you have known anything about last semesters, they tend to be ridiculiouly chaotic. for example, i'm studying for the national counselors exam that's in april, looking for jobs, and well, all but one of my projects for the entire semester are due by the end of february. oh yeah, and i have a job and internship and classes to go to. it's pretty neat.

i do have to admit life has taken on a new focus. i am riding the trainer, and i plan to head to the trails a bit this weekend when i'm not doing homework, but i'm not quite as much of a workout-aholic as i used to be...which they tell me is a good thing. my focus has switched from keeping up with the boys on bike rides to this weird transition into grownuphood. though i hate that i won't be able to ride quite as much for a while as i would like, it's about time to get this crazy life of mine settled down a bit for the sanity of everyone concerned.

so get out there and ride for me friends! and think of me while i'm busy transitioning into grownuphood. it can't last forever right? :)

no bike-talk

tomorrow begins my last semester of grad school and thus the last semester of school i will ever have in my entire life. really. kick me or something if i ever talk about getting my phd cause this is it folks. i'm not really looking forward to the crazy busy lifestyle i lead when i'm in school, but the idea that it will be over is...i think a good thing. i say i think because it's a pretty overwhelming thought to have to be a grown up again. life inside college is pretty squishy, no matter how often i complain about being busy and tired. but i started studying for the national counselor exam and am going to start looking for jobs. it seems so far away but i think that's because by the time may is here, it will no longer be freezing temperatures and below. praise God!

i'm tired of winter. for the first year ever i just don't really care about snow. i think i might have the winter blues...perhaps i should find a sun lamp or whatever. the sun was out today and i was extatic. a good indication i need more of it. another indication is that i don't really care about talking about bikes. although i think that fascination left a while ago...when i moved into a house full of boys who rarely talk about anything but bikes. so, in this post i will not talk about bikes.

i did, however, win my december exercise competition and am hoping to begin another to get me out of my winter funk. so if any of your are interested... hopefully this can get me through until spring break when the weather is semi nice and i can stop hibernating. i think i'm getting tired of resting :)

motivated.

for the past few months i've really had no motivation to ride or really workout at all. i love to sleep and my body just can't seem to get enough. i was a little worried i had mono or a thyroid problem, but was checked and have no issues with those, which is probably a good thing. i recently went to the chiropractor because i haven't been able to move my neck to the left very well for like...a few years. plus my right side has been bothering me since i fell down the stairs at my house and knocked myself out due to the pain...oh yeah, maybe i forgot to blog about that...anyway, the chiropractor got me all fixed up and set on some herbal suppliments for my fatigue and crappy immune system. i'm still tired alot but steph says its probably because i was doing so much riding for over a year that my body needs to recover a while. otherwise, i really do feel alot better. but i was still haivng a hard time with motivation.

i'm an externally motivated person. i never realized it, but it's the reason i've never liked working out at home. if i go to a gym or have others around, i have something to compete with. mostly myself, but i just go with it. so since i quit the gym i've been having a really hard time just getting motivated to get on the bike at all. but i had an ingenious idea: i decided to have a competition with a friend of mine to see who can get the most workouts in before the new year. loser buys winner dinner. 40 minutes equal a workout. i've gotten 8 over 5 days of working out. who knew i was so competitive? i guess i should have figured that out racing lol. anyway, i'm just thankful for motivation! although i've been pretty tired this week and having to re-think my food intake. oh well, i feel better and it's worth it.

today i'll head to the trails since it's so nice out. got out there a couple weeks ago with my boyfriend to show him what i do. not sure if he really wants to try to start riding or he just doesn't want me to be able to beat him at something :) this week i'll head to his house in garnett to spend christmas with him and his family. no trainer or treadmill there, so we'll see how well i do on the rest of this competition! merry christmas everyone!

guess who's a slacker...? this girl!

"what? you quit spin class? did you break your leg?" those words spoken to me by my former roommate i caught up with a few days ago who watched my entire spinning addiction begin last year. that's right friends, i quit the gym. it's been an idea for a while for several reasons; mostly because i live out in the country now and packing to leave the house at 5:15am and take everything for the day with me had finally kicked my butt. that, and my membership was up and i was broke from vegas...which turns out was a f.a.n.tastic trip. i know they say what happens in vegas stays in vegas, but i happened to bring back a groomsman i'm pretty crazy about :)

school, work, internship and new manfriend have kinda taken up my time lately so i haven't gotten out to ride much...or even work out :( i did, however, get out at 5:30 the other morning to ride a bit in the freezing weather and promptly decided that was the worst idea i'd ever had! not only was it cold and windy, but my headband was pressing on my eyebrows and making my sleepy eyes close. not good at that hour. needless to say, i've put my bike on the trainer and have been working on trying to get myself motivated to workout alone.

well hopefully i'll get back into a good workout regimine soon and will have more exciting stories to write about. you all get out there and ride, since i don't have time to!